The Egyptians This Time Round

Now you all know me – them of you as knows me anyway; them as doesn’t obviously doesn’t… don’t… doesn’t… whichever. But anyway if you know me you know I’m not a violent person by nature. I don’t hold with war and battles and stuff.

Which makes it VERY STRANGE that I keep playing Rome II: Total War, like it’s not about, well, war. And a total, total one at that.

On the other hand, it has got Romans in it, and I do have a lot of time for Romans even though I’m playing as the Egyptians this time round and I think I’m digressing sorry.

It’s 243BC. And those pyramids are already 2,200 years old.
Except they’re not real, but if they were.
As far into Cleopatra’s past as she is into ours. Fair blows the mind, what?

ANYWAY. I played, as I always play, with peace in mind. I want to be everybody’s friend. But not everyone wants to be my friend, see? Can’t think why. I’m so dashed likeable. I may have drunk too much, sorry.

“I am not altogether on anybody’s side, because nobody is altogether on my side.”

– Treebeard

So I’m sitting there sending out diplomatic delegations, securing non-aggression pacts and generally making nice, when the Nabataeans, who’ve just signed a treaty with me, decide to scrap it and attack me. I fend them off, and soon they come back all apologetic and ask to sign another.

Aegyptus, when the game starts. Pic nicked shamelessly off the Total War wiki.

Which they duly break two turns later, and I fend them off again. And then they sign another treaty, this time with a hefty payment attached.

Which they immediately waste by deciding to attack Cyprus, which is an ally of mine; so this time it’s like NOPE, you’ve had TOO MANY CHANCES. It’s wipe-out-the-Nabataeans time.

Only after some back and forth where some cities got captured and then recaptured and then captured again, I finally drive them back to their last city, Hegra. And there’s a HUGE bust-up there. A Right Good Fracas. Which I win. Hah. Tootly triumphal trumpets and ticker tape (or whatever they had in 243BC).

“What would you like to do with this faction?” says the game. And in my vengeful gloating I click the wrong button and sign Nabataea up as a satrapy – meaning they become my vassal state rather than being SCATTERED TO THE FOUR WINDS like I’d intended.

My army in the background, having inadvertently been told to leave Hegra alone now please.

Weary sighing.

I suppose this is an important lesson, anyway. Violence doesn’t pay in the end. Even digital violence. And, truthfully, it was rather unlike me to be wanting to hunt a faction right to the ends of the earth like unto Cap’n Ahab in Moby-Dick or when Captain Picard went all funny over the Borg. ‘Tis unbecoming of a nice cuddly Pharaoh like I am. Mayhap the game itself just went, “No; no, this is not the real Kate. No, she has Gone Awry and we must put her back on the proper path of harmony and pacifisticism, yes.”

So it did.

Eh. I mean it’s always a better path anyway, if you can manage it.

I’m not proud of all this, you know.

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