For Britain’s ’10-Point Plan’ – a Translation

The ‘For Britain Movement’, a British fascist group, has dropped trou and splattered a ‘Ten-Point Plan’ onto the pavement.

People on Twitter are reporting having had the above leaflet foisted on them by angry people, and have provided images of it for those of us not yet so blessed.

I thought it might be useful to just run down the plan real quick and translate the points into non-fascist for you.

1. “Leave the EU NOW -no ifs, no buts, no bills.”

Transl: “We don’t really understand the technical issues raised by the prospect of pulling a nation abruptly out of a political and economic union it’s been part of for forty years, and we don’t care. Just leave, because forriners; abandon our responsibilities and default on our debts and let the entire world see us do itincluding the countries we’ll subsequently be asking for trade deals. Because there’s absolutely no way that could backfire at all.”

2. “Significantly reduce immigration, deport illegals.”

Transl. “Never mind that first-generation immigrants tend to put more into the economy than they take out and commit less crime. They talk funny. And sometimes they’re not white. So they need to go. For the moment we’re happy with just deporting them. But we reserve the right to redefine ‘significantly reduce’ as ‘halt’, and ‘deport’ as ‘dispose of’, and ‘illegal’ as ‘anyone we declare illegal’, at our convenience.”

3. “End politically correct policing — one law for all.”

Transl. “We don’t really know what ‘politically correct policing’means except that we think criminals should probably be beaten up more. And law should be rigorously applied to people we don’t like. One law, for them.”

4. “End public sector waste, defend services, protect the NHS.”

No, this one’s all good. I’m fine with this. Just be careful about what you’re calling ‘waste’. If you’re classifying, say, mental health services or the entire benefits system as ‘waste’ then you’re probably a fuckwad.

5. “End excessive red tape and encourage trade.”

Transl. “We don’t care that the entire point of the EU Single Market and Customs Union is to do exactly this. We hate the EU. There must be better people to trade with, maybe people who are less forrin-sounding and speak proper American like on the telly and that.”

6. “End foreign aid except in emergencies.”

Transl. “We haven’t decided what an emergency will be yet, but it might be if there are some Britons somewhere and there’s one of those dirty forrin earthquakes or something.”

7. “Speak truthfully about Islam and its impact in Britain.”

Transl. “We’re terrified of Muslims and we’re not entirely sure why except that they’re generally darker than us and speak this scary forrin lingo sometimes. But that doesn’t matter. We’re shitting ourselves about having to see them when they’re out shopping or riding on buses or walking in the park, and deep down we have this suspicion that our being terrified might be kind of irrational and that indulging it might possibly be a bit cowardly…? Maybe? And that makes us feel a bit unsure of ourselves, like we’re not really as flawless as we think we should be (because we’re British after all); so if we can persuade other people to be shit-scared as well it’ll feel kind of less irrational and then we’ll feel a bit better about ourselves. Truth!”

8. “Protect children from political indoctrination.”

Transl. “Make sure children only come into contact with our own ideology, because if our own kids start asking us difficult questions about why we hate all these other people, and wanting coherent answers, we’re fucked.”

9. “Enhance animal welfare and ban religious slaughter.”

Transl. “It goes without saying we’re not all that arsed about animals because there are plenty of more important ways in which animal welfare could be improved — all the way up to trying to persuade the public to cut down or stop eating meat. But focusing on religious slaughter is best for us because it gives us an excuse to lay into Muslims and Jews, and that’s all that’s really important.”

10. “Support our armed forces.”

Transl. “Always good optics, this one. People love the army. Especially the kind of people we’re interested in appealing to, because they love it in a very specific way we can turn to our advantage. And who knows, if we get some actual power, you know, attract people more influential than a bunch of incandescently angry and impotent-feeling racists on social media… well, might be good to have a few friends in the military. Have them think we looked after them. That they’re kind of indebted to us a bit. Yeah, that might come in handy.”

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