Gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you aboard this Bjornson Langskip 400 watercraft for today’s journey to Monkwearmouth. If I could have your attention for a few moments I’d like to go through some of the safety features of this vessel.
Yes, Ulfar, I know. But I have to do it. It’s the rules. Now can you be quiet, please? Thank you.
Right. First of all can I remind everyone that this is a no-smoking voyage. It’s for your own good, so stop grumbling. I don’t want to see anyone lighting up until we’re properly beached. By the way, have any of you been drinking? Yes, apart from Gilli, obviously. No-one? Really? Well, I hope not, because you all heard Jarl Sigarr, and you must know he’s only got your best interests at heart. A healthy crew is a happy crew, isn’t that right? And a happy crew is a productive and successful crew, and we all want our little enterprise to be a success, now don’t we?
Now, should we need to evacuate the vessel, you’ll find suitable emergency exits to both sides along the length of the craft. You can also jump off the front or the back if you happen to be nearest; but please make sure if you’re sitting next to Od the Tiny that you do take care to pitch him out before making your own egress. Not until then, please, Ulfar! For Aegir’s sake, man; do you have to make this so difficult every time?
Should we experience any unexpected turbulence, we… Oh, for… What’s funny about that, Svein? What, ‘turbulence’? No, it’s… I mean the sea, not us! If it gets choppy! Just shut up. Look, if it gets choppy, well, the simple fact is we’ve got no way of stopping you falling out of the ship, so do make sure you hold onto something if the wind gets up. Svein, be serious! So as I said, make sure you’re holding onto something solid. Ulfar? Yes, very amusing, I’m sure. Now please let go of Od, if you’d be so kind. Thank you very much.
Right, last thing: if any of you want to employ any talismans, amulets or other like instruments could you please make sure you check with me first as they can interfere with the sunstone, and I don’t think any of us want to get lost out there in the fog.
All right, that’s it from me, now if I can… I said if I can… thank you… If I can just take this opportunity to thank the leader of our little warband, Mister Thorgrim Sigarrson, for allowing us all to come along and share in this project. Thank you all for choosing to… I say, I… thank y…
Oh, forget it. Bloody heathens.